The Silent Enemy

Unforgiveness. It is the root, that when its seedling begins to sprout it seems so insignificant. Disguising itself in self-declared rights. Then, when unidentified it begins to grow, and as it is watered and fed it begins to present its luster. Its beauty begins to exceed all other plants, and when it unfolds its ravish colorful hues of self-righteousness it begins to deplete all other attention to itself. Its leaves create a shadow offering claims of protection from anything that might come its way. When it speaks it says, confusion, a mirage, a whirlwind of wrong. Masked by the assurance that we're right and they are wrong.

What begins to unfold is no other than what lies beneath the surface; the roots of toxic bitterness growing within. Who is to say, for how long it has been there, or how deep it has grown, no one knows. They leak its poison by wrapping all other living roots, and

then when least expected. They have multiplied. Their ultimate goal? To grow undetected. You see, only then can it keep us aimlessly seeking vengeance in the dark, but then only to find ourselves further and further away from a true resolution.

On my way to work one morning, these pictures and phrases began to enwrap my mind. I could not understand how I let my heart get to a deep place of disdain. There was so much to process, so many to forgive and not only that. I did not want to. My mind complained to God, and the mirages of self protection and defense were the thick walls that surrounded my mind. I could feel it creating a wedge between me and the one that my soul deeply longed to be with, and the only one who could truly help set me free.

I knew what I needed to do. I knew that there needed to be an unraveling and a willingness to dig into the depths of my heart, to find where the tangled rooted mess began.

The problem was, I did not want to release. I did not want to understand. I wanted to prove now more than ever that I was strong. That I was right. That I could defend the misunderstandings formed against me, and that I deserved to prove the claims and offenses. (I remember telling God, you know that I'm right. )

"Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for buildings up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear...Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4: 28-31

There is a war all around us and when in a war, the adversary will study and strategize a plan against their opponent. Bitterness is a tool from the enemy to stunt our understanding of the character of God, and who He created us to be. He is a thief, and a masterful liar of deceit. One seed is all he needs to plant in order to weave a world of bitterness in our hearts. He uses lies, followed by another, and another, and each one masked to prove the other as "right". This does not surprise God. He knows his tactics and so he equips us with His strategy, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted and forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you."

You cannot muster up forgiveness. You cannot fake it till you make it. It is like when your mom forced you to forgive or say I'm sorry to one of your siblings after a fight. After you said it, I know, that you turned and glared at your sibling, because now you blamed them for mom making you say I'm sorry or I forgive you.

Forgiving is painful but liberating, because contrary to what we believe in the moment. Forgiveness releases power back into our possession. By holding on to unforgiveness, power is taken by our offender. It rots us from within and in actuality it does not hurt the offender, it steals from our own souls instead. It is only through God's grace and the power of his Holy Spirit that we have the strength to forgive over and over again.

The key is His love. As Christ forgave us, now we can forgive others through His love. "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses." Proverbs 10:12

And Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way, "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."

I am so thankful for the way he brings us through the process. With patience, care, and lots of correction in His love. There have been many painful conversations this year. Each one has taught me something new about what was really rooted in my heart. There was more that God wanted to show me through the unraveling, and never once did He leave me embarrassed, ashamed, or hurt. Instead, he healed, uplifted, mended, and filled my scars with His love. Each time bringing more freedom.

I can't say it is all finished, but though Him my soul has found more and more peace. The process is ongoing, but each time it gets easier and easier. I can honestly say that I have felt the grace of God. The grace to see beyond the offenses, to allow Him to uproot the lies that were sown in my heart for many years. His love is the key, and I need more of it each time.

This is what He's promised:

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them....If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." Romans 12: 14, 18-19

Do you need to forgive?